Monday, 29 June 2009

IKEA - stage two

Stage two of the IKEA experience is to put your IKEA furniture together. Everyone knows that this is the stage where marriages breaks down. If you weren't close to throwing your other half out after the experience of purchasing you new joint furniture then putting them together will truly get you there.

So there are some precautions that one should take before one attempts to do this together.
1.Decide if it's just better that one person works on putting the furniture together and the other person get's out of the way. Maybe do some laundry, wash the car, change some tyres or something else that needs doing that doesn't involve coming with suggestions to the swearing person with the red face.

2.If you have decided that you must do it together. Make sure that you have two sets of tools, screw drivers, allens keys, wrenches and the other things that is needed.

3.Stay well fed and well hydrated through the exercise. If you do not drink enough during the process you might spontaneously combust from the frustration of figuring out what the instructions means. I suggest using beer as a hydration medium. In the end the instructions wont be clearer but you will not care that your table has only 3 legs.

4.Do not criticize the other partner if they are very slow at using the screw driver, if you do you might wake up in the emergency room with said screwdriver shoved in your knees.

5.Sorting out what is in the packet, yes all the screws as well, actually makes sense. Then you know if you have to many/to few screws and it will save you time and yelling effort later on. You can now go back straight to the shop with your item with missing screws and yell at the people who deserve to be yelled at, we all know that is the returns people in the shop. Instead of yelling randomly at your children or dog.

6.Make sure you have enough time, do not think it will take an hour to put up a bed frame. I would suggest double your highest estimation of time, and then add an hour. Hence do not start putting up your new dining table 1 hour before you are having guest coming over for a dinner party. If you only have one hour, drag out an old camping table and call it a casual cocktail event instead. Serving casserole.
Check the instructions to see what part of the pieces is supposed to be upwards.

8.If you end up with to many pieces left over and you can not for your life understand what part of the furniture they are suppose to fit in/screw into. Shove them into the back of drawer. When the piece of furniture falls into pieces in 3 months time, you can go back to the store and yell at the returns people.

So these are all my stage 2 IKEA precautions that we did not follow today. We thought we'd get all the furniture up. We only have the bed and bed storage up, that took us 4 hours. We didn't eat anything, which made me so crazy hungry that I crammed a bag of the Swedish Fish candy that I bought into my mouth in 7 minutes. A record for me. We had to do it together and we had no tools, we had to borrow some from the maintenance guy.

So all in all. Our bedrooms looks real nice and the rest of the flat is empty. So we could invite only people over that we would want to have in the bedroom. Which I guess defeats the purpose with being married. So people will have to stay away until we get the rest of the shipment of furniture that is coming from London.


  1. Oh, so you don't follow your own rules... not good! I've learned that while putting together IKEA-stuff, you should always look at least four times at the instructions, cause your bound to miss things, cause the pictures are so small. and you should always communicate during the process: ok, so now I'm turning this side up and I'm taking the little screw with a line in it in the fourth hole from left... that way you can help eachother when someone's about to make a misstake! bisou!

  2. I have one more “do not”. Do not under any circumstances think that the instruction is wrong. If you miss something, like a hole for a screw, remember that IKEA have not missed it. You have done something wrong, do not start to drill new holes.

  3. I once told the head of Ikea (in the UK) that I had never been to Ikea. He was astounded and asked me lots of questions about why not. I wish I could now refer him to your blog.

    I have now actually been to Ikea, in Liverpool, for breakfast, not furniture. It was a long walk for a fry-up and of course I saw many many plates and teacups that I wanted to buy. I think I would like to run a bookshop which sells tea and cake. Yes, that would be the perfect job I think. As long as no-one smashed a teacup or bent the spine of a book. What a fun place it would be.