It’s the first week of spring and it has been getting cooler this week. But it’s still the week of spring. They know those things here as they have official dates for such things. The 1 of September is the first day of spring.
There spring fashion is the shops, they have a big flower exhibition at David Jones and to be honest it’s not that cold so I guess I could feel like spring.
My problem is, my brain and body is hardwired for September to be a pre-autumn feeling. It’s the time of the year when you can still wear your skirt out but you should bring a jacket and scarf if you are going to be out late.
This time of the year I start dreaming about casseroles and warm sweaters and start planning for Christmas. What I shall buy for people, what is my present wrapping theme, anything interesting to bake, yes I am quite obsessive about Christmas.
So life has thrown me a curve ball here a little bit, in my head I know I should prep for summer, start looking for salad recipes and think about what to wear to work when it’s 35 degrees outside. I’ve never done that before. But I don’t. I start dreaming about wearing black roll neck sweaters and tweed trousers and wether my brown boots could survive another season.
I have always had really bad winter moods; I get really moody and don’t want to leave my house. Normally I am able to stave off the worst in the autumn as I obsessively plan for Christmas and drown myself in sparkly glitter and wrapping paper, so the real winter blues doesn’t normally hit fully until late January/February.
Now I realise that this is in one part actually not feeling well when there is a lot of darkness around and one part the expectation that this will happen. Subconsciously I’m preparing for this. I’m collecting books and cheerful things that I can do to feel better in January. Even thought I know in my mind that I might not feel bad in January cause then it won’t be less than 5 hours of daylight every day. So maybe all the years I spent trying to learn to deal with my really bad winter moods I’ve also created a cradle for it, that expect it to happen, and that I accept that it is going to happen and maybe even in some strange little way look forward to a couple of months every year where my expectations of myself are lower.
It’s not that I think I make the dark feelings up, or that they are pretend, during that part of the year, as the very low level of me at that time of the years is quite severe, I just wonder sometime. What would have happened if I would have been born somewhere else, would the moods still be there, just relating to something different?